I have a similar experience. It was not as bad as yours, but the effects on the psychology are still there. My father and I remained in contact until he died, but time with him was never easy. He belittled me right up to his death. My life got easier with that death.

I spent much of my mid-life believing I was well. From the outside, I was a rather accomplished person. But a fortuitous collision of events (after my father died) got me seeing I was not well. I found a good counsellor. Life is better.