My family was not as dysfunctional as yours. But I had similar feelings about my father’s death. My life got easier without him around.
I took some counselling after his death. I learned his treatment of me was not my fault, and I did nothing to deserve it. I did forgive him, and he is no longer writing my life script.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was suffering from a mild, consistent depression which lasted 30 years. My father and his sisters also had their share of mental illnesses which robbed them of the better things of life. But all were too proud to ask for help.
My great grandfather was shanghai-ed into the Ausrian army in WW1. He spent time in a Russian POW camp and came back a broken man. His brokeness passed through at least two generations. Sometimes broken people don’t realize the damage they are causing.