Same-sex marriages in Czechoslovakia were not on the radar in the mid-1990s. Not too sure where they are now, but I would wager things are more liberal in that regard. But there are still a lot of squareheads in the Czech and Slovak Republics.
I have written a bigger piece on democracy and speed limits. You might be interested.
Your piece is fluffy because it assumes that there is a universal definition of freedom. Just shout out “freedom” and everyone understands. And it is virtue to be had. The USA has “freedom,” and other western countries have “freedom”, despite there being many laws in these nations. And oligarchical nations have no freedom for their peoples whatsoever. -That was not the case in communist Czechoslovakia.
Words like “freedom”, “liberty”, “democracy”, etc. can be shouted from the rooftops as if they are simple concepts. They are not simple at all.
My take is that our laws can (and usually do) strike a good balance between freedom and an orderly society. But to say that we westerners have total freedom is ridiculous.
How to improve your writing? Your wordsmithing is fine. This particular topic is nothing but western flag waving. Write something that is going to challenge people and maybe move the world to a better place.
In case you have figured it out, I have an ulterior motive to be on Medium. I am proposing a different system of democratic governance. I believe that it will create a better balance between freedom and order.